If you like this article and want to nerd out even harder on it, join me tomorrow Wednesday February 9 at 12pm PT/3pm ET on FB Live. I'll be reviewing this article.
We are heading into peak Valentine's Day season, which can be anxiety-inducing whether you're partnered or not.
Why?
Maybe it's a sense that love or romance aren't accessible to you because of body-based stigmas, like racism, ableism and/or fatphobia.
Maybe it's the pressure of performing "successful" love on social media or in front of friends or family, which might be about getting taught to see relationships through capitalist competition and scarcity.
There's another reason that this season may bring up anxiety: we're often not given a very good education in how to create relationships that truly align with our values.
Did you know that body positivity can be one of your relationship values? Yes, it's true! Let's talk about that.
Examining your relationship values may provide clarity for upcoming dating plans or your relationship. Even if you're not dating or in a relationship, thinking about your values is always ... well, valuable.
As I've pointed out in BPU 201, values are basically that - what you value. They are quite subjective and are inspired by many sources: family, media, friends, culture and your innate desires and personality.
When it comes to figuring out your relationship values, here are common questions that one is typically encouraged to consider:
How important is having fun and play in your relationship?
How important is sex and the frequency of sex in your relationship?
How is anger expressed in your relationship?
How important is adherence to traditional gender roles for you?
What are your financial expectations of your partner?
Do you care if your partner is committed to emotional self-improvement?
It's rare to see questions that interrogate specific values around how our bodies are seen and treated in relationships. I think this is a pretty glaring absence!
For years I didn't know that people had different attitudes about bodies, and that I could have opinions on those attitudes. I just presumed everyone desired the same kind of body (one that was decidedly unlike mine), and that was that. I also had no idea I could expect or desire that my partner treat my fat body with neutrality, let alone affection, let alone maybe even... lust?
I still remember the first time a date told me, "No man gets to tell you what your body looks like." I still remember the first time a partner said, "You're the perfect size, and you always will be." And I also still remember the first time someone treated me like I was their ultimate fantasy person.
I wanted more of that feeling.
I didn't know I had the right to list "fat positivity" or "body positivity" as one of my dating deal breakers. Guess what? We all have that right.
So, let's get a little more specific and talk about body-based relationship values. Below are several examples. Put a mental star next to the ones you'd like to incorporate into your life:
My body is seen as complete and whole just as it is - not a "work in progress"
My partner has some awareness - formal or informal - of body positivity
My partner is open to learning about my body positive beliefs and needs
My partner knows my history with food and body image
My partner helps me me feel sexy in my body
My partner helps me feel comfortable in my body
My partner does not make judgmental statements about my body
My partner does not make judgmental statements about others' bodies
My partner understands that bodies change over time - from scarring to weight changes to potential changes in mobility - and does not expect me to maintain their idea of a certain kind of body
What might you add to this list?
I'm a former skeptic who would have scoffed if someone told me I could expect these things from dates. As someone who dates straight men, I would have asked, "Have you ever been on a date with a straight man before?!" Trust me when I say: this life is possible for you. It's possible for all of us.
Class dismissed.
Don't forget: If you liked this article and want to nerd out even harder on it, join me tomorrow Wednesday February 9 at 12pm PT/3pm ET on FB Live through my page. I'll be reviewing the themes in this article.
